Restaurants

Okay, next time you go out to a restaurant, and the waiter asks you what you want, order exactly what is written on the menu. And be sure to look him right in the eye. Dont say, "I'd like a burger and a glass of water." Say what is written on the menu. Say, "I'd like one of your Emeril's Personal Choice, 100% angus beef, six-ounce patty on one of your own Blue-Ribbon winning, buns with exactly 23 sesame seeds, topped with a slice of Kentucky's finest Grade-A cheddar cheese made from only premium milk and poured from large, galvanized steel cans, having originally been extracted from a big, fat, smelly, champion blue-ribbon cow throught his nipples." And for water, ask for a cyrstal-clear, mountian spring, cold liquid poured into a cylindrical, machine-blown, drinking vessel.

Now if you REALLY want to have fun, ask about the salad bar. Ask them how many times you can go back. If they say, "however many times you want," ask for a lawn bag. Or better yet, come bakc the next day with a small truck. Say that you were not done eating from the night before, because no one is ever technically done eating.

If you are at a fancy restaraunt, send stuff back, it's considered sophisticated. Say something like, "Waiter, this roast pig stuffed with baby seals tasted like the inside of Lance Armstrong's biker shorts. And I'm talking about when he won the Tour de France the first time." If they have a pepper mill, have a little fun. When the waiter says, "Would you like some pepper?" Say, "Yes." And keep him going for ten minutes. If he gives you a look, just smile. Keep him going for another twenty minutes. When he is done, say, "Waiter, this food has too pepper on it."

Antigravity

After many hours of research and scientific study, me and a friend came up with how to make antigravity. Cats always land on their feet, and buttered toast always lands butter side down. Put buttered toast on the back of a cat, and the result is antigravity. Then we thought that if you put sone torque on the cat when you threw it you could get a perpetual corkscrew. Maybe this is the answer for a perpetual motion device.?